Don’t worry, I haven’t entirely sunk into a can’t-finish-a-novel depression – I just liked the idea of entering the How to be Miserable contest being sponsored by life coach Tim Brownson. But in fact, trying to becoming a fiction writer can certainly produce its moments of misery, so if you’re in the business of wanting to be miserable, here’s how:
- Set yourself a goal of becoming a published fiction writer. Being just a writer is hard enough, but wanting to be published? It’s a guaranteed path to misery. I don’t know the stats – and I don’t think I want to – but I’m guessing the proportion of fiction words written that are actually subsequently published is very, very tiny.
- Try to write fiction while you’re doing a demanding day job like teaching. Better yet, try to write fiction while you’re teaching all day and writing internet posts for travel sites in the evening so that you can pay the mortgage (hey, that sounds kind of familiar). Trying to find the inspiration to write a word or two of enjoyable fiction after expending all that energy is a great way to become miserable.
- Be shy enough about your fiction writing skills that you don’t join any online forums to share your fiction, or attend any local writing groups. Getting feedback might be too helpful and dig you out of your misery far too quickly. Surely a real writer has to do it all on their lonesome.
- Think to yourself that it’s impossible that your novels will ever be published. Don’t head to your local bookstore and find the alphabetical spot on the shelf where your novel would sit. This kind of positive thinking could lead you dangerously far away from being miserable.
- Make sure you keep your desk absolutely covered in bills, books, pencils, old newspapers and unlabeled CDs so that you can’t possibly think beyond the clutter. Even better, start piling the next wave of paperwork on your chair so that when you try to sit down to work, you miserably throw said pile on the floor and then tread on a staple that’s come half undone, providing pain to add to your misery.
- Spend all of your free time reading published novels by great writers and reflect on how you’ll never be able to write that well (as well as having no free time to actually write). Comparing your own writing to that of Jane Austen or Gabriel Garcia Marquez should make you miserable nice and fast.
There you go. I’m quite surprised at how easy it is to become miserable. And a little pleased that I’ve actually done only about half of these things myself. So far.
