It’s a while ago that I looked at opening sentences, but since then I’ve paid a lot of attention to the first lines of novels. The problem is that all this concentration on “what works” doesn’t seem to have made me any better at writing my own. As part of my novel rewrite, I decided I hated the original opening line, one I came up with almost a year ago.
The thing is, I think that the topic of the opening chapter works for my story, and the right characters are introduced at the right time, and the content of this first chapter does give you enough hints about what is to come, and so on. In other words, it’s not altogether too bad. I think. But what I just can’t get happy about is the first line. I revised it again this week and moved a few paragraphs around and I think part of the problem is these are all words that I have seen and read far too many times now, and I don’t have any perspective.
Help me, please! You know I’m not good at sharing my fiction writing, but I’m going to show you all the first few sentences. Be brutally honest and tell me what impression they give you. Would you keep reading? What would you expect to read? What do you think the story will be about?
It was Yoko’s turn to share a prediction from the list she had written down in her notebook. “In 2050, I will walk down the street with my grandchildren.”
Lisa smiled at the simple answer, an honest one compared to other students who dreamt of becoming pop stars or astronauts. She turned to Takahiro, a middle-aged man who had introduced himself to the class as a salaryman.
“In 2050,” Takahiro said, with less than perfect pronunciation, “I will be the Prime Minister of Japan.”
Lisa compared the student’s hair with the Mozart locks of newly-elected Prime Minister Koizumi and concluded it possible. “That’s great, Takahiro! I’ll watch you on television and tell everyone that I knew you before you were famous.” The students giggled while Lisa glanced at the lesson plan in front of her. The title said “Future tense: Using ‘will’ for predictions,” and she’d borrowed the activity from her training the week before. Without even a day’s teaching experience in her life, a three-day crash course had given Lisa the basic skills for teaching English to foreigners, and she was now sitting in a classroom with four polite Japanese students.
Okay, there you have it. This makes me nervous. But don’t be kind, just tell me what you hate about this opening. I need to fix it, before it drives me insane!
Just for the record, the 15-day creation challenge is going along superbly – I’ve been spending at least an hour per day editing my novel and feel like I’m making great progress. Watch this space to see if I get finished before February 2.
