It’s a while ago that I looked at opening sentences, but since then I’ve paid a lot of attention to the first lines of novels. The problem is that all this concentration on “what works” doesn’t seem to have made me any better at writing my own. As part of my novel rewrite, I decided I hated the original opening line, one I came up with almost a year ago.
The thing is, I think that the topic of the opening chapter works for my story, and the right characters are introduced at the right time, and the content of this first chapter does give you enough hints about what is to come, and so on. In other words, it’s not altogether too bad. I think. But what I just can’t get happy about is the first line. I revised it again this week and moved a few paragraphs around and I think part of the problem is these are all words that I have seen and read far too many times now, and I don’t have any perspective.
Help me, please! You know I’m not good at sharing my fiction writing, but I’m going to show you all the first few sentences. Be brutally honest and tell me what impression they give you. Would you keep reading? What would you expect to read? What do you think the story will be about?
It was Yoko’s turn to share a prediction from the list she had written down in her notebook. “In 2050, I will walk down the street with my grandchildren.”
Lisa smiled at the simple answer, an honest one compared to other students who dreamt of becoming pop stars or astronauts. She turned to Takahiro, a middle-aged man who had introduced himself to the class as a salaryman.
“In 2050,” Takahiro said, with less than perfect pronunciation, “I will be the Prime Minister of Japan.”
Lisa compared the student’s hair with the Mozart locks of newly-elected Prime Minister Koizumi and concluded it possible. “That’s great, Takahiro! I’ll watch you on television and tell everyone that I knew you before you were famous.” The students giggled while Lisa glanced at the lesson plan in front of her. The title said “Future tense: Using ‘will’ for predictions,” and she’d borrowed the activity from her training the week before. Without even a day’s teaching experience in her life, a three-day crash course had given Lisa the basic skills for teaching English to foreigners, and she was now sitting in a classroom with four polite Japanese students.
Okay, there you have it. This makes me nervous. But don’t be kind, just tell me what you hate about this opening. I need to fix it, before it drives me insane!
Just for the record, the 15-day creation challenge is going along superbly – I’ve been spending at least an hour per day editing my novel and feel like I’m making great progress. Watch this space to see if I get finished before February 2.
Tags: novel writing troubles, opening sentences, teaching in Japan
So, i think i am a perfect reader to comment on this.
it’s the first time i make a comment on any of your posts.
so… here it goes.
It is a pretty beautiful piece of writing, it has some music to it, poetry.
I won’t lie, the opening line isn’t the perfect sentence you are aiming for, but, in my opinion, you should not worry about that, the best books i have read had extremely crappy opening lines. Never the less to say that yours it’s pretty good.
If you asked me about what intrigues me the most about the characters, i would say it is: why did Lisa had to take that fast teaching course? what is going on in her life that made her be there rounded by Japanese people instead of doing something else?
other then that, it was a pretty short passage. i would love to read a bit more…
Alberto, first of all, thanks so much for your comments, it means a lot to me! I’m pleased to say that the questions you had are probably a big part of what is answered in the course of the story, so that’s really good for me to know.
Maybe I’m a perfectionist, but I really would love a great opening line. Of course, you’re right in saying lots of great books have bad first lines, and I certainly have never put a book down because of the first sentence – I always read a chapter at least. But I’m going to keep thinking about it …
Lisa is lucky she got any training! hehe!
I like it, I am intrigued about what will happen to Lisa in Japan. I like the sentence about koizumis hair best but perhaps that is because I can relate to that seeing as I have lived in Japan.
I am not very good at critiquing sorry!
This passage makes me wonder if Lisa is escaping something. Does she really want to be a teacher, or is it something to bide her time or allow her to live somewhere else? I think you’ve done a good job of creating subtle intrigue.
I think you could use the first sentence to give us a hint about Yoko — something about her demeanor, her looks, or her confidence. An example would be:
“A nervous laugh tumbled from Yoko’s lips. It was her turn to reveal a prediction from the list in her notebook.”
Of course that may not fit with her personality, but you get the idea
!
@ Lulu, that’s true about the training! That’s really interesting that you liked the Koizumi hair line because I nearly cut it – I wondered if other people would get it – obviously you did because you know Japan well – so I’ll leave it for now. Thanks very much for the feedback.
@ Zoe, I’m glad it makes you curious about Lisa – escaping/her future/etc because that’s definitely a theme of the story. And it’s a very good idea about revealing more about Yoko, will think about what I can add in there. Thanks a million!